Vulnerability and the opening up of our hearts and souls to our loved ones, is one of the most difficult things we can do.  Yet, it is actually the most important deep connection we have with those closest to us.  Most of us struggle with showing this side of ourselves.  Because of this, it is a constant thread in the work I do with couples.

I was lucky enough recently to view a wonderful video today by Dr. Brene Brown, a University of Houston Professor who has done research on what vulnerability means to us and how important it is to our wellbeing and to our connections with our loved ones.  If you have a few minutes, treat yourself to a view of her video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0

Why are we so scared of opening up to our partners and friends?  Because as Dr. Brown so beautifully shows us, we all carry shame, and shame holds us back from being authentic.  We hide pieces of who we are because we carry a feeling inside that often tell us: we are not good enough, thin enough or rich enough, etc.   When we don’t feel worthy, or feel critical of ourselves, we don’t feel we deserve love.  Shame keeps us at a distance from self-love, blocking us from accepting love from others.

Dr. Brown found that those of us who she describes as “wholehearted” are able to feel love and empathy for themselves, and were consequently, those most able to shake off shame and allow love into their lives.  The wholehearted could takes risks and allow themselves to be vulnerable, fall in love, and be resilient if things didn’t work out.

When couples come in to see me, they are often in a deep emotional crisis, unable to speak to one another in a safe secure way.  They certainly fear showing their vulnerabilities.  It is my job to help heal those wounds and allow each partner to find a way to open up again and reconnect.

Happy Halloween!

Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT

Monica’s aunt never asked why her grandmother felt that way and she never was able to defend herself. As a result, Esther has hated her grandmother since. She swore she wouldn’t speak to her or have anything to do with her again. In fact, she has held that grudge for close to 70 years. The grandmother has long since passed away, yet Esther still holds the pain of that moment so long ago.

The grandmother hurt the aunt because she hadn’t asked about her side of the story and assumed Esther did wrong, not the cousins. This gave Esther the feeling that the grandmother didn’t have her back. The grandmother chose the cousins over her and Esther was wounded by her grandmother’s betrayal.

Deep down that wound has lodged itself into Esther’s psyche, keeping her angry and stuck for close to a century. She has had every right to be angry because the grandmother betrayed her, but deep down, she is still hurting. The grandmother delivered her a deep attachment wound that is still, 70 years later, festering. Attachment wounds are the most painful wounds of all; they are the hurts that occur when those that are supposed to love us, abandon us.

One way many of us cope with deep hurt is by building a hard wall of anger around it. This anger shuts us away from feeling the depth of the hurt. The problem is we can’t soothe the hurt unless we take the walls of anger down. The anger or grudge is really about blaming. Blaming another person for our long term hurt.

Monica’s Aunt Esther has kept herself stuck by maintaining this grudge. If she were allow herself to experience the hurt around the attachment wound, rather than focusing on the blame for her hurt on her grandmother, she might able to let go of the hurt over time.
When we blame our family members, our partners, or friends for our hurts, frustrations and overall bad feelings, we get stuck. Blame shifts focus to those around us, keeping us away from experiencing the pain, vulnerabilities and shame of something that has happened.

In the best case scenario, if we can look inward when we are most angry and blaming of our partner or friend and take a look at what is really hurting us, we might see the events and our partner differently. The next step is telling the other person how hurt we feel and that we need them to understand that their behaviors are causing us distress. We can then ask them to stop and understand that it is hard for us when they do that behavior. When we stop blaming or holding a grudge and access the real feelings around a negative event, we can start to heal and ask for what we really need. Maybe it is an apology; maybe it is simply a hug. But mostly, what we are all yearning for is a safe, secure and loving connection with our family and friends.

Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT

By the time Joe walked in the door, he was tired and didn’t notice Ellie’s desperation. Instead, he gave her a peck on the cheek and went straight to the boys and made a big fuss about coming home and seeing them. It was his first real joy of the day. Ellie, watching the boys delight in their dad’s homecoming felt left out and resentful. She wanted them to be happy to see their dad, but at that moment, it they seemed loved him more than her and he they. Part of her knew she was being childish but she couldn’t help feeling angry all the same.

By the time the boys were in bed and Ellie and Joe had time to focus on one another, Ellie was at a boiling point. When Joe mentioned that he had a company golf game on the upcoming Saturday afternoon, Ellie lost it. She started yelling, saying that he didn’t care about her and that he only cared about golf and his job. He responded that his job paid the bills and here she was a stay-at-home mom; shouldn’t she feel lucky? She fought back, saying the last thing she felt was lucky. She felt he was insensitive and selfish and didn’t care about their family. It was all about golf and work. He stormed out of the room, only to fall asleep on the couch watching TV. Again.

Sound familiar? Do the themes of this scenario play out in your household?

Understandably, Ellie is feeling angry and, deep down, hurt that Joe doesn’t see how hard her assignment is. Staying at home means no promotions, no bonuses and no adult conversation. Instead, the joy of being with her children, though wonderful, can often be frustrating and deeply isolating. By the end of most days, Ellie wants Joe to understand the challenges and loneliness she experiences. But her way of sharing sounds to Joe like criticism.

Joe on the other hand is also tired . He works hard and must internalize the pressures and insecurities of his job, always asking himself why he didn’t get that promotion or better bonus. He too feels isolated, stressed by having to shoulder the financial burden of the family without recognition. When he gets home, he seeks respite from the demands of the breadwinner’s workplace. But when he finds criticism instead, he shuts down and withdraws.

Ellie and Joe have reached the point where they are fully missing one another. For the moment, the connection they both crave, that feeling of being loved, has been lost. Neither feels safe with the other. And the drama is predictable — no matter what they are actually fighting about, it’s the same fight every time. Ellie seeks validation and reassurance from Joe. But her approach to achieving it is negative because he doesn’t respond. As he withdraws, he feels anything he says will cause her to become angrier. Yet this is negative too because his distancing causes her to amplify her criticism.

Ellie has become the relationship’s “pursuer,” while Joe has become its “withdrawer.” Each fight follows a similar script as Ellie calls Joe out on something that she feels is selfish or insensitive, causing Joe to pull back and clam up. Below her angry surface, Ellie is feeling hurt that Joe seems to abandon her. Joe is feeling that anything he says will cause Ellie to yell louder. He feels incapable of satisfying her, making him even more quiet and afraid of rejection. He can’t seem to do anything right.

Neither can see what the other is experiencing. They are locked in an adversarial “blame the other” stance. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, (see www.holdmetight.com ) describes this as a “demon dance.” Hold Me Tight is an excellent book on couples and relationships based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Sue developed the EFT model based on attachment theory.

Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory for more information.) Attachment – the forming of secure emotional bonds — is as important to us as food and water. Our survival as infants is based on our attachment to our caregiver. Bowlby theorized that secure attachment, the process by which a care giver responds to the child’s needs and gives the child a feeling of safety, allows the child to go into the world to explore and develop in a healthy way. As adults we still crave secure attachment, namely, to be known and seen by our loved one in a safe secure relationship. When we lose a lover, many of us describe the event using words that are evocative of a death experience.

The concept of adult love is intimately related to secure attachment. We are always asking our loved one two questions: Are you there for me? Am I important to you? In Ellie and Joe’s marriage, Ellie feels that she is not important to Joe, that his work comes first. For his part, Joe feels accosted by Ellie, his muse. Attachment wounds to their relationship are the result.

The nature of the demon dance is that each sees the other as the cause of the bad feelings. We want to blame our partner for our disconnection. However, each of us has a part to play in the demon dance. Often we have unacknowledged feelings of fear, anxiety, grief and sometimes shame that cause us to put up emotional walls to protect ourselves from our partners and life in general. Many times emotional walls are defense mechanisms that protected and kept us safe as we grew up. But now they distance us from our loved ones.
We can learn to stand back from the dance. To do so we must first examine our feelings and their triggers. Reflecting on our actions and our actions’ impact on our partners can provide deep awareness of the dance. When our partner can slow down and understand our pain and its source, we can in turn see theirs; we can reconnect and feel safe together again.

For more information on EFT, attachment and Sue Johnson, visit www.NewEnglandEFT.com

Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT

We once looked at male mid life crisis as being somewhat silly, it was about aging, loosing hair, loosing his “mojo” or a widening girth that translated into a purchase of a sports car, or more seriously, trading out the older wife for the younger version. Today, with the extreme pressure the economy and lack of jobs is putting on the family, the mid life crisis has turned into a major meltdown for our men.

Men have been especially hit by the joblessness: http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/health/news-article.aspx?storyid=160203. Men now have to lean on wives to support the family. So many of our men have their identities tied up in their job and society’s perceived view of success. Specifically many men feel their self worth is connected to his paycheck.

With the loss of a paycheck comes loss of self-esteem, depression, anxiety and full-blown self-doubt. When our men loose sight of who they are, they have a great deal of trouble being there for us.

At the core of this self-doubt is shame. We as a society have expected our men to often be the sole support of the family. As companies have downsized, getting rid of middle-aged men has caused costs to fall and profits to rise. The problem is there are fewer well paying jobs for middle-aged men and women today. (Women will tend to take lower paying jobs before a man would).

Shame is one of the toughest emotions to tolerate or discuss, for men or women. For men, especially middle-aged men who have not had the vocabulary to discuss their emotions in general, talking about shame is particularly difficult. What tends to happen is our good men go ahead and behave badly, they become reactive and angry, blaming us for their misfortunes, or they go to the bar, or gamble, or withdraw from us in some other way. Think of the bad behavior as a man’s version of a good cry.

For those of us whose partners are experiencing this intense emotional difficulty, we have a hard time creating safe conversations to help our partners or spouses through tough times. We tend to be angry at them for their bad behaviors or inability to open up and share with us. Many men are withdrawers; they clam up when their spouses are upset. They feel that whatever they say, she will get angrier so they shut down. One gentleman in therapy described the feeling as emotional paralysis. He is a man of great accomplishments but feels inadequate in speaking with his wife about what is really happening with him emotionally. This causes him; you guessed it, more shame.

If we can create a safe place emotionally (non judging and supportive) for our spouses to speak of their fears, vulnerabilities and even shame, we can help them work through some of their tougher emotions. Just acknowledging and voicing shame and fear, allows us an outlet and a path to soothing. If our spouse can feel safe with us, he may be able to open up and let you into his inner world. In this way we feel closer and more connected in a more intimate and supportive way.

Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT

Problems arise when your relationship with your spouse is rocky. Ask yourself some questions such as “Am I happy in my marriage? Do I feel like I can speak to my spouse about anything without being afraid or causing an argument?” “Does my marriage feel safe, secure and strong?” “Is my spouse important to me and I to him? Does he have my back and he mine?” If you are ok on all those questions, then the friendship should be ok.

If you are looking for emotional connection because you are not receiving it within your marriage, then that would be threatening to your spouse and the spouse of your friend. He would need to ask all the above questions as well.

Good luck!
Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT

He has an artificial attachment to the alcohol. I am hoping that were he to understand how hard it is for her to loose him in these moments, when he is drunk and abusive, he may experience her pain and decide to make changes in his behavior. Usually the substance abuser is unaware of the pain he is causing to those around himself. He is too focused on numbing his own feelings of shame and pain. If he can connect with how important he is to loved ones, and the hurt he causes because of it, sometimes, the abuser can chose to change course.

When we are in an intense relationship with a substance abuser, we tend to blame them for our pain, feel like we are in control and that we are the healthy one in the relationship. If your mom were to really connect with the pain this is causing her, not the anger or blame, she might see this differently as well. By owning her own hurt, she may want to get out of the relationship. Rather than imagining that he is to blame, she may see that she is choosing to stay, keeping herself stuck through the blame. By taking the blame out of the equation, she may find she has the power to leave if that is what she wants.

They might be able to heal the emotional wounds and substance abuse through honesty and clear communication.

Usually couples need outside help when substance abuse is part of a negative cycle. I suggest your mom and her boyfriend go see a certified Emotionally Focused Therapist to work through some of the pain and shame around his drinking and abuse. See www.NewEnglandEFT.com

Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT

Your question is important and timely. Our children do need to know that you are being cautious about where and how you spend money. They need to see you model good fiscal responsibility, explaining to them how to save and what a budget is.

Of course this information needs to be age appropriate. Small children can understand simple ideas of saving and careful spending. The little ones only need to know the very basics. And yes, being calm and balanced about your approach to money lessons is important.

Young teens certainly can grasp basic budgeting and it is important that they learn what things cost and how to save. You can share more with them about what a mortgage is and what the gas and electric bills cost. As they become young adults, they will understand the concept of living costs and how to plan for becoming independent.

In relaying any information about your finances, yes, your emotional attitude will come through, especially if you are fearful. It is best to leave the worrying to adults. Kids still need to be children and not worry about paying the bills, but they can learn basic lessons on spending, saving and planning for the future.

Trevo Mahony Crow, LMFT

The underlying emotion behind an anxious attachment style is fear. Your husband is afraid you might abandon him for your son. His fear causes him to isolate you and fight off any possible intruder or competition for your attention. The greatest threat for him is, naturally, your son. You are deeply attached to your son of course and this causes your husband intense fear.

Usually we are not connected to our primary emotion such as fear or shame, what we show the world is anger and jealousy. The anger is a secondary emotion and one that is socially acceptable for men to display.

My guess is your husband is unaware of his fear of loosing you. If you could encourage him to explore what happens to him when he sees you paying attention to your son, he may be able to own the fear. This may take time and in therapy it is a step down process. Most people (men in particular) don’t want to admit fear, so discussing the matter using words like “frustrating” and “annoying” might provide a way into his real emotions. This takes time and patience, but once he can own his deeper feelings and be able to ask for what he really needs: your reassurance and secure attached love.

Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT

What would happen if you pointed out that you are missing him? That right here, in your marriage, every day, he is somehow removed from you? If you were to talk about how lonely you feel inside what should be a strong intimate relationship, how would he react?

Get in touch with your own feelings around not being able to reach him daily. What feelings come up for you in your body when you can’t connect with him?

If you went to him with your deeper feelings, maybe of fear, or abandonment, because it sounds so lonely in your marriage, maybe he might be able to share that he is lonely too. Perhaps he is missing you as well and has not been able to express how difficult this is for him. Deep down we are all yearning to be held, comforted and to be known by our loved one.

A disconnect has occurred in your marriage and there is hurt and sadness hidden for you both. If you two can find a way to listen to one another, with an open, non- blaming stance, you may discover some emotions and pain that you had missed.

To reconnect, we need to make it safe for our partner to come out and speak about what is really bothering him. Often our partners are trying to protect us by not speaking up. They don’t want to hurt our feelings by telling the truth.

My guess is that you both are trying to protect the other from hard to talk about emotions and, in essence, you are withdrawing emotionally from each other. Both of you are fearful of rejection and afraid to upset the other, so you both clam up and think you are keeping yourself and your partner safe by not speaking about what is truly upsetting you. This only worsens the feelings of disconnection between you.

The antidote to your disconnect is an open, honest exchange of feelings. When you both can discuss the tough subjects that may make waves in a safe and loving way, you are on your way to creating a safe a secure bond. Love or secure attachment is about building that bridge of understanding and acceptance where you both feel seen, heard and safe to be yourselves in your partner’s presence.

Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT

At the core of sibling rivalry is survival and therefore attachment. Literally for life and death, the child needs to feel firmly attached to you, the caregiver. If you are not there for the child, he or she could be abandoned. Secure attachment, meaning the sense that the child is loved for who he or she is and that you will always be there for them no matter what. Sibling rivalry is about one or each of the children feeling anxiety that you are not available to them or that you may favor another child, thereby abandoning them.

For the caregiver, your unique connection to each child is excruciatingly important. They are naturally going to compete with each other to get your attention. Each child needs to feel that they are the most important person to you to feel securely attached.
It is virtually impossible for parents to split everything perfectly down the middle and give each the same portion of everything. What we can do is make and take time to know each child individually. What each child is craving is the feeling that you know intrinsically who he or she is. Each of your children needs to know and feel that you value them for who they are individually.

Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT