Since it is almost Halloween and we are all prepared for a little fright, I thought it would be a good time to take a look at what so many of us are deeply scared of– yet yearn for– vulnerability. As a culture and society, I believe we are often too fearful of being vulnerable, and are remiss at allowing our children to show their vulnerability. In fact, many of us numb ourselves with alcohol, drugs, food, and other substances and addictions to mask our need for it.
Vulnerability and the opening up of our hearts and souls to our loved ones, is one of the most difficult things we can do. Yet, it is actually the most important deep connection we have with those closest to us. Most of us struggle with showing this side of ourselves. Because of this, it is a constant thread in the work I do with couples.
I was lucky enough recently to view a wonderful video today by Dr. Brene Brown, a University of Houston Professor who has done research on what vulnerability means to us and how important it is to our wellbeing and to our connections with our loved ones. If you have a few minutes, treat yourself to a view of her video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0
Why are we so scared of opening up to our partners and friends? Because as Dr. Brown so beautifully shows us, we all carry shame, and shame holds us back from being authentic. We hide pieces of who we are because we carry a feeling inside that often tell us: we are not good enough, thin enough or rich enough, etc. When we don’t feel worthy, or feel critical of ourselves, we don’t feel we deserve love. Shame keeps us at a distance from self-love, blocking us from accepting love from others.
Dr. Brown found that those of us who she describes as “wholehearted” are able to feel love and empathy for themselves, and were consequently, those most able to shake off shame and allow love into their lives. The wholehearted could takes risks and allow themselves to be vulnerable, fall in love, and be resilient if things didn’t work out.
When couples come in to see me, they are often in a deep emotional crisis, unable to speak to one another in a safe secure way. They certainly fear showing their vulnerabilities. It is my job to help heal those wounds and allow each partner to find a way to open up again and reconnect.
Happy Halloween!
Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT
